What to do when a friendship isn’t working
When I was a kid, it never even crossed my mind that a friendship could end. Once you were my friend, that was it—I figured we’d be friends forever.
As I got older, I realized friendships aren’t always forever. People change. Priorities shift. Over time, some friendships just run their course. This is completely normal.
Sometimes it happens gradually, without a conscious decision or a big conflict to end things. Some people just naturally drift apart, and it’s completely fine for both sides.
But how do you handle it when it’s not so easy? When a friendship becomes something that’s weighing you down rather than lifting you up? When you get anxious every time your friend texts you? When hanging out together feels like an obligation instead of something you enjoy?
In short: What do you do when things get rocky? And how do you know when it might be time to let go of a friend?
1. Identify the problem(s).
First of all, it’s important to figure out what isn’t working in the relationship. What exactly is upsetting you about the friendship?
Is there a conflict you haven’t resolved?
Is there a certain behavior pattern that bothers and/or hurts you?
Here are few examples of what could be going awry in a friendship:
You don’t feel seen.
Sometimes it can feel like you’re growing and changing in ways your friends don’t understand. I once had a client, Jen, who went away to college and became a much more confident version of herself. Whenever she came home and hung out with one of her best friends from high school, all her old insecurities resurfaced. She felt like her friend wasn’t seeing her growth, like she still thought of her as the shy, self-doubting person she once was.
They’re not treating you well.
Maybe you’re friends with someone who can be a little flaky. In my twenties, had a friend who had a hard time committing to making plans, and often canceled at last minute. Whenever she did this, it triggered painful feelings from my childhood, when I wasn’t always able to count on others to be there for me—when I developed the (mis)belief that I wasn’t worthy enough for someone to show up for me.
They’re emotionally taxing.
Maybe you have a friend who’s really emotionally demanding. Whenever they’re going through a tough time, they unload on you, making you feel helpless and overwhelmed. As much as you want to be there for them, you feel like you’re drowning. You don’t have the emotional capacity to take care of them and you.
2. Whatever the problem is, try to work through it.
Once you’ve identified the problem, it’s time to address the issue with your friend.
You don’t want to start from a place of blame, though, or make judgmental statements about the other person.
Instead of saying something like “you don’t see me” or “you’re flaky,” try to stick with “I feel” statements.
For example: “When you [enter triggering behavior], I feel like I’m invisible or not valued or overwhelmed.”
In other words, do your best to approach the discussion with the intention to work through the issue with your friend. This opens the possibility for both of you to grow and heal. It can be a very powerful process—and it might even bring you closer.
This was definitely true for me and my flaky friend. When I told her about how I felt whenever she canceled on me, she was really sorry that her behavior affected me so much. At the same time, she had the chance to explain that she never learned to commit because of the chaos in her own upbringing.
In talking through things, we learned more about each other and were able to understand where each of us was coming from—and that it was nothing personal. It changed how we treated each other. It grew our respect for one another.
3. Evaluate the situation.
Let’s say you identify and try to work through the problems in your friendship—and things still don’t seem to be changing.
Don’t make a rash decision about the relationship because you’re fed up. Take some time and space before you approach the issue again. Ask yourself:
- What am I getting out of the relationship?
- Have I tried to work through things?
- Is this just a phase, or is this an ongoing problem?
- Can they change in a way that would make it better?
- How am I contributing to the issue, and what can I do to change things?
You can also ask other people for their feedback—but not the kind where they back you up in wanting to ditch your friend. Choose someone who can reflect the situation back to you and give you solid insights on how to move forward.
4. Decide how you want to move forward.
If you’ve communicated your needs to your friend multiple times and nothing is changing, you might conclude that it’s time to let go.
Letting go of a friend might be an easy decision for some people. But for some of us it can feel totally scary. It goes against our survival instinct, tapping into our primal fear that we could end up alone and friendless, kicked out of our tribe.
But what we don’t realize is we might actually end up creating more space for people who bring us joy and lift us up.
If you have a hard time making a decision, this blog post might help you.
And remember: it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can also take a step back from the friendship and see what happens.
Give yourself permission to not commit to plans for a while.
Give your friendship time to evolve.
There can be different degrees of closeness over time—and that’s completely okay. You don’t have to rush or force anything.
But if you ultimately decide that the best way to move forward is to end the friendship, the next big question is: how on earth do I do that?!
Stay tuned for my next post to learn how to break up with a friend.
Do you want to learn more about how to navigate difficult situations with your friends? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to build and sustain long-term friendships, drawing from my training as a therapist, my own experience, and the experiences of my clients. Download a sample chapter here.