How to break up with a friend | Part 1
Breakups hurt. Whether they involve romantic partners or friends, there’s no way around the pain when a relationship ends.
That said, breaking up with a friend is different than breaking up with a romantic partner. Once you’ve decided the friendship isn’t working, it can be tempting to get it over with and call it quits straight away. But that’s not actually the best way to go about it.
When it comes to ending a friendship, here’s my advice: Fade it out.
Yes, fading it out takes more time and energy than sending a quick text, but trust me when I say it’s better for everyone’s emotional health.
Why? Just like breakups, rejections hurt too. Telling someone they’re a terrible friend and you never want to see them again will leave deep scars.
But rushing to end things doesn’t just hurt the other person. It hurts us, too. When we communicate in a state of urgency, we tend to blurt out mean things. Then we’re left feeling just as bad, if not worse, than the friend we’re trying to break up with.
So how do you let things fade out when you no longer want to be friends with someone? It depends where you are on the spectrum from “We’re simply not vibing anymore.” to “This friendship is harming me.”
Here are some tips on how to slowly let go when you start to grow apart.
When you’re not vibing anymore
People change. As you grow older or your interests shift, you might realize that a certain friend doesn’t seem to fit into your life anymore. Though they’re not actively inflicting harm on you, they’re not bringing fun or joy or learning into your life. All the more reason to not let them go with a hurtful confrontation.
If you’re not in it to work things out, there’s no point in telling the other person exactly how you feel.
Why? Even though we’re living in a time when we want to be honest and authentic, giving people input or criticism when we don’t have any intention of continuing the relationship is unfair.
Let’s say you tell someone you don’t want to be friends with them because they go out too much. So they decide to hang out with you at home more—but you still don’t want to be friends with them. This is just unkind. It’s also self-righteous: it’s implying you know how they should change, but you don’t care enough to hang in there.
What can you do instead? Instead of telling someone you don’t want to hang out with them anymore because of X, Y, or Z, think about how connected you want to be with them. Don’t give more than you want to give.
It’s okay to slowly become less available. Tell them something like “Things are crazy right now.” or “I’m sorry, life is really hectic right now.” Which is probably true. The important thing is to convey this information to them without it being personal—because it really isn’t.
Whatever you do, don’t ghost them!
In my twenties, I was in a relationship with someone I thought of as a casual acquaintance who wanted to be “best friends.” Initially, I responded to every single point or question in her long texts.
But then I started to wait a little longer to respond. I’d give a short answer like, “Sounds really tough, I’m sending you love.” My words were genuine, but I was also communicating that I wasn’t prepared to dig deeply into her problems.
After a few of those brief responses from me, she stopped writing as much or as frequently because we were no longer having a balanced conversation, or one that was fulfilling.
In this type of scenario, it’s easier for the other person to feel like you’ve drifted apart instead of feeling like they’ve messed things up somehow.
It’s one thing to let a friendship fade out when you’re just not vibing with someone anymore. But what do you do when a friendship is taking a serious toll on your mental health?
Stay tuned for my next post, where we’ll explore [emotionally healthy] ways to end things with friends who are draining or harming you.
Do you want to learn more about how to navigate modern-day friendships? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to create and sustain long-term relationships with friends, drawing on my own experience and the experiences of my psychotherapy clients. Download a sample chapter here.