A change is gonna come – how to deal with big life transitions
Transitions. Whether it’s heading off to college, starting a new job, or moving in with a partner for the first time – transitions can feel scary and overwhelming, no matter how much we try to prepare for them.
I’m no exception. As I transition into motherhood and take a break from my psychotherapy practice, I’m as excited as I am scared. Before I became a mom, I found comfort and stability in my routines, in a fulfilling job I feel I’m good at. Now I have this blank slate in front of me, and I have no idea what it’s going to look and feel like.
In these types of situations, it’s easy to feel anxious and start catastrophizing. So what can we do to support ourselves through major transitions? How can we best prepare for the emotional challenges that come with big changes in our lives?
1) Accept that we’ll have some feelings.
Transitions usually stir up lots of big emotions, especially fear. Our typical reaction to fear? We either judge ourselves for feeling afraid (“Why am I so scared? This is silly!”) or try to deny the fear altogether (“Who me? Scared? No way!”).
The problem is, when we judge or push away feelings like fear, we just end up feeding into them.
So what can we do instead of judging or denying negative emotions like fear? We can name them. We can allow ourselves to actually feel them. It might seem like a paradox, but the more we learn to accept negative emotions, the easier it is to release them, and to understand what they’re trying to tell us. (If you want more guidance on how to do this, check out my post about sitting with your emotions.)
For example: As a new mom, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to maintain my self-care practices. I’m scared I’ll feel trapped, exhausted, unfulfilled. I’m afraid my baby won’t be happy if I’m not happy. Acknowledging these fears and doing my best to hold them without judgment is how I start to move through them.
2) Take stock of what’s working.
In times of transition (and/or at other challenging moments in our lives), our minds naturally focus on our weaknesses and zero in on what’s wrong. To keep ourselves from getting stuck in a negative thought loop, we want to gently redirect our attention toward what is working right now.
For example: Like all new parents, I have lots of things to worry about. At the same time, I know I’m resourceful and strategic, and I’ve figured out hard things in the past. I have faith I can do it again as I embark on this new adventure.
(As powerful as it can be to shift our thinking toward what’s working in our lives, this step can be extremely challenging for many of us. The key here is to have compassion for ourselves—and acknowledge that taking stock takes practice!—instead of beating ourselves up for not thinking positive.)
3) Identify the worst-case scenario.
Whenever we experience big moments of fear, it can be helpful a. to imagine the absolute worst-case scenario, and b. to think about how we would work through it, both on a practical and an emotional level. This way, we build our confidence that we can cope with whatever comes our way.
My worst-case scenario: constantly feeling trapped, exhausted, overwhelmed, and disconnected from the people I love. Before it comes to that, I’ll make sure to pause and ask myself what I need to do to take better care of myself and the baby. I’ll develop a plan for what to do and who to call when everything just feels like too much.
4) Look for the next steps.
When we’re facing big changes, it’s tempting to think of the parts of ourselves that are still evolving as weaknesses. Instead, we want to work toward accepting what we don’t know yet. When we can embrace the idea that we all have stuff we can get better at, it’s easier to take a proactive role in becoming the best version of ourselves.
Case in point: I don’t know how to be the mother of a young baby. But I’ll read and learn. I’ll ask other parents I look up to for guidance and support. I’ll share my feelings with people I trust—when it’s going well and when the going’s tough—to make this a community experience and not feel isolated and alone.
5) Ask for help.
Surrounding ourselves with people who lift us up and support our dreams is key to coping with big transitions. Depending on the moment, and depending on what we need, we can seek out different people for different kinds of support.
In my case, I have a partner who will be on this journey with me, so we can share the load when things get hard. My sister-in-law, who has two kids and lives nearby, can help me with parenting-related things. And I know I can turn to my mother and to my best friend for emotional support.
6) Define success.
When it comes to transitions, we can’t achieve success unless we define it for ourselves in detail. This means figuring out what success looks like for us in a given situation—apart from what others might think or expect of us.
For me, success as a new parent means understanding that not everything in this phase of my life will be beautiful and perfect. It’s about accepting the ups and downs of being a parent, and having fun with them. It’s about feeling like my baby and I are enjoying the process, like we’re connecting in a meaningful way while I’m figuring things out and growing into this new role.
When you think about the next big transition in your life, what does success look like for you?
Do you want to learn more about how to build a healthy relationship with your emotions? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to cope with big emotions like anxiety, anger, and depression—and how to bring more calm and fulfillment into your life. Download a sample chapter here.